Thursday, October 25, 2007
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
For those who want to know, My answer about the priesthood will come down on Oct. 29 at 10:00 am. Pray for me. Meditate for me, that one's for GJ :)
Friday, October 19, 2007
Final Reflection
Here's my last reflection. Who knows how it will go? Sorry for the weird font, can't fix it.
Last night I had the final of my weekly discussions with Father J B. In the past the conversations have been freewheeling and extemporaneous. This meeting however was slightly formalized. A week earlier F B gave me a question he wanted me to think about that would guide our discussion. The question was: In what ways has your experience at Our Saviour expanded, deepened, and broadened your discernment? Likewise, how has your time at Our Saviour discouraged your discernment?
My notion of liturgy has certainly been forever expanded with my time at Our Saviour. Prior to Our Saviour I had exclusively been a part of Rite 2 liturgies. Indeed, I had been antagonistic about Rite 1, or my reading of it, as an exercise in self flagellation. I now see this as utterly ignorant and an immature understanding of the tone of Rite 1. Father Bolton was surprised and pleased when I said that I’d miss Rite 1. I think Rite 1 has an understanding of our place before God that needs to be addressed at times.
My experience with Rite 1 and with some of the archaic language of the 1928 prayer book, has given me a new perspective on the old Anglican notion that “prayer shapes belief.” Before I had such an intensive and intimate encounter with Rite 1, I assumed that people who practiced Rite 1 were more conservative, theologically and socially. And those who practiced Rite 2, tended to be more liberal. I think this is still true, statistically, but not essentially. My point is that the Christian message is as liberal as it gets. Here, I am using the classical form of liberal: open, giving, for all. God’s grace is liberal, no difficult language, kneeling low, or chest beating can change that message. In fact, hearing the Good News in a manner different from the one I am accustomed to has helped me to hear it with new ears.
Being a guest was also quite instructive for me and my discernment as well. Beyond the hospitality that was extended to me, which was a grace all unto itself, was the act of being a guest. In my home church I am among kindred spirits; we’ve been worshipping together, in Vestry, in EfM, Sunday School, we met at all hours during Holy Week: we know each other. When you know someone you can joke around, push each other’s buttons for fun and learning. When you are a guest you can’t do these things. When you are a guest you spend a lot of time biting your tongue. This is a good practice. As much as I believe that we must be true to ourselves and our feelings, not to mention what we consider the Truth, I think most of what is said in the spirit of “being true to myself” is little more than a power play. Sometimes, maybe almost always, it is best to listen and shut the hell up for a minute. In this age of instant communication we all suffer from logorrhea, excessive and uncontrolled talking.
F B also wanted me to reflect on how my time at Our Saviour has discouraged my discernment. Truthfully, as I see discernment as an ongoing process, nothing can discourage it except an internal loss of self-awareness. Everything we experience, think, and feel, is grist for the discernment mill. I think what he meant was, what did I see that was hard to process or deal with. The aforementioned shutting up was difficult at times. But it was the numbers that sometimes got me down. Our Saviour has, by my count, eleven services per week. Eleven! The highest attendance at any single service I noted was 51, which included the seven person choir, and six working at the altar. F B MENTIONED THAT P, OUR SEMINARIAN, WOULD LIKELY BE PREACHING TO TWO PEOPLE AT THURSDAY’S NOONTIME MASS. MY QUESTION, WHY HAVE ALL THESE SERVICES WITH SO LITTLE ATTENDANCE? HE SAYS THAT HE GETS THAT QUESTION OFTEN, AND HIS ANSWER IS AN OLD ONE. A PRIEST USED TO BE CALLED THE PARSON, AN OLD WORD FOR PERSON. SO A PRIEST IS THE PERSON OF THE VILLAGE, AN INTERCESSOR. A PRIEST’S JOB IS TO SIMPLY BE PRESENT. HERE, F B IS BEING MODEST. TO USE LAST NIGHT AS AN EXAMPLE, HE WAS MORE THAN PRESENT. HE CAME FROM A MEETING TO MEET WITH ME, BUT FIRST HAD TO SPEAK WITH OUR SAVIOUR’S RESIDENT (LITERALLY) HOMELESS PERSON, FIND A SPACE FOR YET ANOTHER NA GROUP, TALK TO A COMMUNITY DEVELOPMENT PERSON FROM VIRGINIA HIGHLANDS, PRESIDE AT A HEALING SERVICE, AND FINISH OUR CONVERSATION ALL WHILE FIGHTING A COLD. BEING A PRIEST IS ABOUT BEING PRESENT, BUT IT’S ABOUT BEING PRESENT IN A LOT OF PLACES. I LIKE THIS NOTION OF BEING THE PERSON OF THE VILLAGE, AND IT IS A LOT OF WORK; BUT I DO WONDER, AS WE HAVE CONSTANTLY IN THIS PROCESS, WHO HEALS THE HEALER? (I DECIDED NOT TO INSERT MY OWN ETYMOLOGICAL UNDERSTANDING OF PARSON, WHICH COMES FROM GREEK FOR PERSONA, MASK, LIKE IN GREEK THEATER, SO A PERSON IS A FAÇADE. THE THING WE SHOW AND USE TO HIDE FROM EVERYONE AND OURSELVES. ANOTHER DISCERNMENT LESSON.)
WHAT HAS BEEN MOST IMPORTANT TO MY DISCERNMENT THAT I’LL TAKE FROM OUR SAVIOUR IS DEALING WITH THE DIFFICULTIES. THE TRUTH IS OUR SAVIOUR MIGHT BE A SINKING SHIP. THE MAJORITY OF THE CONGREGATION IS ANTAGONISTIC TOWARD THE DIOCESE AND THE BISHOP. WHEN I HEAR ABOUT PEOPLE’S PAIN WITH THE CHURCH, SUCH AS B'S POWERFUL REFLECTION FROM LAST WEEK, I DON’T WANT TO RUN AWAY, I WANT TO GET INTO IT. THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY WIFE AND I HAVE AN ARGUMENT. TEMPERS FLARE AND VOICES RAISE, BUT WE WORK IT OUT. WE KNOW THAT IT WILL TURN OUT O.K. BECAUSE WE ARE COMMITTED TO EACH OTHER, BUT FOR NOW WE HAVE TO AIR ALL THIS JUNK. LIKEWISE, I PRAY FOR THE CONTINUED COMMITMENT OF THE CHURCH TO ITSELF, WHILE WE AIR ALL OUR JUNK.
THIS NOTION OF AN ARGUMENT IS ALSO A USEFUL METAPHOR FOR DISCERNMENT. I HAVE AN IDEA OF WHO I AM AND WHAT I AM CALLED TO BE. THE CHURCH IS GOING TO ARGUE WITH ME ON THAT POINT TO TEST MY ASSUMPTIONS AND CONCLUSIONS. AN ARGUMENT IS A DEBATE ABOUT THE VALIDITY OF SOMETHING. THE CHURCH AND I ARE NOT ARGUING THAT GOD IS CALLING ME, THIS WAS SETTLED AT MY BAPTISM. THE CHURCH AND I ARE SUSSING OUT WHERE THAT CALL IS.
THIS PROCESS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT TIMES OF MY LIFE. I STARTED THIS WANTING DESPERATELY TO BE A PRIEST. NOW, I AM BENIGNLY INDIFFERENT TO THE OUTCOME; WHAT A CHANGE IN JUST A FEW MONTHS! I STILL THINK I AM CALLED TO THE PRIESTHOOD, BUT I KNOW GOD WILL USE ME REGARDLESS OF THE RECOMMENDATION I RECEIVE. THIS KNOWING IS NOT SIMPLY AN INTELLECTUAL KNOWING, IT IS AN EXPERIENTIAL KNOWING, A DEEP KNOWING; GOD IS AND WILL CONTINUE TO CALL ME TO HIS SERVICE. I COUNT EACH PERSON IN THE GROUP AS MY FRIEND, EVEN P; AND I PRAY THAT GOD’S WILL BE HAPPILY DONE IN ALL OUR LIVES.
Last night I had the final of my weekly discussions with Father J B. In the past the conversations have been freewheeling and extemporaneous. This meeting however was slightly formalized. A week earlier F B gave me a question he wanted me to think about that would guide our discussion. The question was: In what ways has your experience at Our Saviour expanded, deepened, and broadened your discernment? Likewise, how has your time at Our Saviour discouraged your discernment?
My notion of liturgy has certainly been forever expanded with my time at Our Saviour. Prior to Our Saviour I had exclusively been a part of Rite 2 liturgies. Indeed, I had been antagonistic about Rite 1, or my reading of it, as an exercise in self flagellation. I now see this as utterly ignorant and an immature understanding of the tone of Rite 1. Father Bolton was surprised and pleased when I said that I’d miss Rite 1. I think Rite 1 has an understanding of our place before God that needs to be addressed at times.
My experience with Rite 1 and with some of the archaic language of the 1928 prayer book, has given me a new perspective on the old Anglican notion that “prayer shapes belief.” Before I had such an intensive and intimate encounter with Rite 1, I assumed that people who practiced Rite 1 were more conservative, theologically and socially. And those who practiced Rite 2, tended to be more liberal. I think this is still true, statistically, but not essentially. My point is that the Christian message is as liberal as it gets. Here, I am using the classical form of liberal: open, giving, for all. God’s grace is liberal, no difficult language, kneeling low, or chest beating can change that message. In fact, hearing the Good News in a manner different from the one I am accustomed to has helped me to hear it with new ears.
Being a guest was also quite instructive for me and my discernment as well. Beyond the hospitality that was extended to me, which was a grace all unto itself, was the act of being a guest. In my home church I am among kindred spirits; we’ve been worshipping together, in Vestry, in EfM, Sunday School, we met at all hours during Holy Week: we know each other. When you know someone you can joke around, push each other’s buttons for fun and learning. When you are a guest you can’t do these things. When you are a guest you spend a lot of time biting your tongue. This is a good practice. As much as I believe that we must be true to ourselves and our feelings, not to mention what we consider the Truth, I think most of what is said in the spirit of “being true to myself” is little more than a power play. Sometimes, maybe almost always, it is best to listen and shut the hell up for a minute. In this age of instant communication we all suffer from logorrhea, excessive and uncontrolled talking.
F B also wanted me to reflect on how my time at Our Saviour has discouraged my discernment. Truthfully, as I see discernment as an ongoing process, nothing can discourage it except an internal loss of self-awareness. Everything we experience, think, and feel, is grist for the discernment mill. I think what he meant was, what did I see that was hard to process or deal with. The aforementioned shutting up was difficult at times. But it was the numbers that sometimes got me down. Our Saviour has, by my count, eleven services per week. Eleven! The highest attendance at any single service I noted was 51, which included the seven person choir, and six working at the altar. F B MENTIONED THAT P, OUR SEMINARIAN, WOULD LIKELY BE PREACHING TO TWO PEOPLE AT THURSDAY’S NOONTIME MASS. MY QUESTION, WHY HAVE ALL THESE SERVICES WITH SO LITTLE ATTENDANCE? HE SAYS THAT HE GETS THAT QUESTION OFTEN, AND HIS ANSWER IS AN OLD ONE. A PRIEST USED TO BE CALLED THE PARSON, AN OLD WORD FOR PERSON. SO A PRIEST IS THE PERSON OF THE VILLAGE, AN INTERCESSOR. A PRIEST’S JOB IS TO SIMPLY BE PRESENT. HERE, F B IS BEING MODEST. TO USE LAST NIGHT AS AN EXAMPLE, HE WAS MORE THAN PRESENT. HE CAME FROM A MEETING TO MEET WITH ME, BUT FIRST HAD TO SPEAK WITH OUR SAVIOUR’S RESIDENT (LITERALLY) HOMELESS PERSON, FIND A SPACE FOR YET ANOTHER NA GROUP, TALK TO A COMMUNITY DEVELOPMENT PERSON FROM VIRGINIA HIGHLANDS, PRESIDE AT A HEALING SERVICE, AND FINISH OUR CONVERSATION ALL WHILE FIGHTING A COLD. BEING A PRIEST IS ABOUT BEING PRESENT, BUT IT’S ABOUT BEING PRESENT IN A LOT OF PLACES. I LIKE THIS NOTION OF BEING THE PERSON OF THE VILLAGE, AND IT IS A LOT OF WORK; BUT I DO WONDER, AS WE HAVE CONSTANTLY IN THIS PROCESS, WHO HEALS THE HEALER? (I DECIDED NOT TO INSERT MY OWN ETYMOLOGICAL UNDERSTANDING OF PARSON, WHICH COMES FROM GREEK FOR PERSONA, MASK, LIKE IN GREEK THEATER, SO A PERSON IS A FAÇADE. THE THING WE SHOW AND USE TO HIDE FROM EVERYONE AND OURSELVES. ANOTHER DISCERNMENT LESSON.)
WHAT HAS BEEN MOST IMPORTANT TO MY DISCERNMENT THAT I’LL TAKE FROM OUR SAVIOUR IS DEALING WITH THE DIFFICULTIES. THE TRUTH IS OUR SAVIOUR MIGHT BE A SINKING SHIP. THE MAJORITY OF THE CONGREGATION IS ANTAGONISTIC TOWARD THE DIOCESE AND THE BISHOP. WHEN I HEAR ABOUT PEOPLE’S PAIN WITH THE CHURCH, SUCH AS B'S POWERFUL REFLECTION FROM LAST WEEK, I DON’T WANT TO RUN AWAY, I WANT TO GET INTO IT. THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY WIFE AND I HAVE AN ARGUMENT. TEMPERS FLARE AND VOICES RAISE, BUT WE WORK IT OUT. WE KNOW THAT IT WILL TURN OUT O.K. BECAUSE WE ARE COMMITTED TO EACH OTHER, BUT FOR NOW WE HAVE TO AIR ALL THIS JUNK. LIKEWISE, I PRAY FOR THE CONTINUED COMMITMENT OF THE CHURCH TO ITSELF, WHILE WE AIR ALL OUR JUNK.
THIS NOTION OF AN ARGUMENT IS ALSO A USEFUL METAPHOR FOR DISCERNMENT. I HAVE AN IDEA OF WHO I AM AND WHAT I AM CALLED TO BE. THE CHURCH IS GOING TO ARGUE WITH ME ON THAT POINT TO TEST MY ASSUMPTIONS AND CONCLUSIONS. AN ARGUMENT IS A DEBATE ABOUT THE VALIDITY OF SOMETHING. THE CHURCH AND I ARE NOT ARGUING THAT GOD IS CALLING ME, THIS WAS SETTLED AT MY BAPTISM. THE CHURCH AND I ARE SUSSING OUT WHERE THAT CALL IS.
THIS PROCESS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT TIMES OF MY LIFE. I STARTED THIS WANTING DESPERATELY TO BE A PRIEST. NOW, I AM BENIGNLY INDIFFERENT TO THE OUTCOME; WHAT A CHANGE IN JUST A FEW MONTHS! I STILL THINK I AM CALLED TO THE PRIESTHOOD, BUT I KNOW GOD WILL USE ME REGARDLESS OF THE RECOMMENDATION I RECEIVE. THIS KNOWING IS NOT SIMPLY AN INTELLECTUAL KNOWING, IT IS AN EXPERIENTIAL KNOWING, A DEEP KNOWING; GOD IS AND WILL CONTINUE TO CALL ME TO HIS SERVICE. I COUNT EACH PERSON IN THE GROUP AS MY FRIEND, EVEN P; AND I PRAY THAT GOD’S WILL BE HAPPILY DONE IN ALL OUR LIVES.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Ready for yes?
I've been spending the last several weeks preparing for a no from the discernment commitee. I'm very comfortable with the idea of a no. But what about a yes?
Last week I was playing banjo with Atlanta's former bishop, Frank Allen. He asked me how I felt about the process, I said it was a very positive experience. He said if I've gotten something out of it then I'd probably get a yes.
A yes?
This has been freaking me out lately, a no is more comfortable. No means the seen, the known. A yes...
Last week I was playing banjo with Atlanta's former bishop, Frank Allen. He asked me how I felt about the process, I said it was a very positive experience. He said if I've gotten something out of it then I'd probably get a yes.
A yes?
This has been freaking me out lately, a no is more comfortable. No means the seen, the known. A yes...
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Meditation
Notes on a meditation delivered 10/7/07
Hab. 2:1-4
Psalm 37
2 Tim 1:1-14
Father B. has asked me to give my thoughts on today's readings. As all the members of Our Saviour know, when J. B. asks you to do something, you do it.(cheesy toast masters opening)
Most of you know that I am an aspirant to the priesthood. And that I am in the discernment process for that decision. This is both true and false. True, I am discerning a call to the priesthood and the church is helping me with that decision. But false in the sense that God is only calling me to the priesthood. God is calling me. Period. God is calling you as well. As for discernment, the discernment process is a formal process the diocese has developed as a getting to know you time. Also getting to know yourself, which has been invaluable to my personal development.
But discernment isn't for priestly wanna-bes. One glance at today's readings gives us a nice outline as to the nature of how we should all discern God's call. Habukkuk, urges intention and patience: "I will keep watch to see what He will say to me."-Please know that God is calling you, even if you don't want to hear it.
"If it seems to tarry wait for it, it will surely come, it will not delay"-God's call means God's time. This also implicitly means that we don't know the hour of God's call, for further readings on God's surprises see the entire Bible.
Today's Psalm, 37, gives some of the most useful and practical advice found anywhere, "Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently before him." God doesn't say be ansy before the Lord.Check your watch, and clear your throat before the Lord your God! Doesn't sound the same, does it? Once you begin discerning God's call, be still. If that's not enough, the Pslamist goes on to say "Do not fret-it leads only to evil." Does this require any explaination? "Do not fret-it only leads to evil."
So we have our intention of listening to God, waiting for Him, and how to wait, relaxed. Finally in today's Epistle Paul reminds us that "God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline." This what the Holy spirit gave us at Pentacost and we should put that spirit of power, love, and self-discipline to good use while we listen to what the Holy Spirit is giving us. Thank you.
Hab. 2:1-4
Psalm 37
2 Tim 1:1-14
Father B. has asked me to give my thoughts on today's readings. As all the members of Our Saviour know, when J. B. asks you to do something, you do it.(cheesy toast masters opening)
Most of you know that I am an aspirant to the priesthood. And that I am in the discernment process for that decision. This is both true and false. True, I am discerning a call to the priesthood and the church is helping me with that decision. But false in the sense that God is only calling me to the priesthood. God is calling me. Period. God is calling you as well. As for discernment, the discernment process is a formal process the diocese has developed as a getting to know you time. Also getting to know yourself, which has been invaluable to my personal development.
But discernment isn't for priestly wanna-bes. One glance at today's readings gives us a nice outline as to the nature of how we should all discern God's call. Habukkuk, urges intention and patience: "I will keep watch to see what He will say to me."-Please know that God is calling you, even if you don't want to hear it.
"If it seems to tarry wait for it, it will surely come, it will not delay"-God's call means God's time. This also implicitly means that we don't know the hour of God's call, for further readings on God's surprises see the entire Bible.
Today's Psalm, 37, gives some of the most useful and practical advice found anywhere, "Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently before him." God doesn't say be ansy before the Lord.Check your watch, and clear your throat before the Lord your God! Doesn't sound the same, does it? Once you begin discerning God's call, be still. If that's not enough, the Pslamist goes on to say "Do not fret-it leads only to evil." Does this require any explaination? "Do not fret-it only leads to evil."
So we have our intention of listening to God, waiting for Him, and how to wait, relaxed. Finally in today's Epistle Paul reminds us that "God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline." This what the Holy spirit gave us at Pentacost and we should put that spirit of power, love, and self-discipline to good use while we listen to what the Holy Spirit is giving us. Thank you.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Final Questions
Here are my responses to the final questions given to the Discernment group. We were asked to write from the perspective of our leaders, I sort of did that. The names have been initializes to protect the innocent. The questions are speculative, the answers are likewise, this is not a record.
(1) You have received a yes – describe your feelings, what your leaders will say are the reasons and what happens after you leave the room.
If I receive a yes, I think I will feel satisfaction that the Church has confirmed my call. I will also feel relief that I wasn’t deluding myself when I first received the message to seek the priesthood. It feels good to be confirmed in such a faith-filled decision. Closely following the relief and satisfaction will likely be anxiety. While I have worked hard on my anxiety, it will be difficult to not feel anxious at the prospect of the huge changes that will occur in my life and my family’s life. With a yes comes three or more years of graduate school, selling a house, moving, securing new employment for, B, my wife, etc. This is daunting. But B and I have stepped out on faith; we know the way will be hard. The busyness of the discernment process has tested our marriage and we have found it to be exceedingly strong. We’ve adopted a motto: We can do hard. It means that we can handle stress and adversity because we value our family and each other’s ministries.
I think P and N (the group leaders)will confirm my call for several reasons. First is that, as stated above, I have strong support with my wife and family. This security will be invaluable as I develop my ministry and step out into a new domain.
Also, I think that P and N will have seen that I am open to discernment as a whole. The discernment process that the diocese has designed has been a wonderful experience but I have recognized that true discernment doesn’t stop with a yes or a no. My discernment will continue. It is this recognition of continual searching within, always trying to unpack the motives and feelings behind my words and choices, asking, “Where is God in this?” that is a good quality for a priest. I hope P and N, and all the others I have encountered in this process see that I have not shied away from the difficult work of digging up my dirt. It’s been ugly at times, sublime at others and I am committed to the ongoing process of discernment.
Finally, and most simply, P and N will have seen that I am a good listener, a good quality for a priest. I think that I am empathetic but without undue attachment or judgment to what is being said. I have a clear sense of boundaries already from my job as a teacher that I think will translate well to the priesthood. I have always worked closely with people and feel at ease in conversation and engagement.
After I meet with P and N I imagine I will sit in my car for a little while and try to let the news sink in. I will then call my wife and give her the news. I expect her to have a similar reaction to mine, excitement tempered heavily with the reality of what comes next: total life change. On the drive back to Fayetteville I suppose I will listen to Led Zeppelin, “Misty Mountain Hop” very loud, then call my mom.
2.) You have received a no - describe your feelings, what your leaders will say are the reasons, and what happens after you leave the room.
If I receive a no, I think I will feel some disappointment at first. This will not be crushing disappointment because I have been preparing myself for the possibility of a no answer. Some confusion is sure to follow, “If the Church doesn’t support my call to the priesthood, will it help me find my true vocation?” I think I might even feel some excitement with a no. Excitement because I have faithfully stepped out with God, the Church sees me somewhere else, but I have freedom to go where God calls me because my faithful step still stands. I was and am prepared to change my life completely for a life dedicated to God and His people and will continue to listen for God’s call in my life.
I may have received a no for a few reasons. One reason might be that P and N don’t think I’m focused enough for the ordained ministry. I think that they might say that I have shown great dedication and focus during the discernment process, but they’d like to see more focus in my life in the Church. Perhaps they might ask me to try again in a few years in which time I might finish EfM and my tenure with the vestry.
Another reason might be that P and N feel that my family is too young. Perhaps I should wait until my children are both in school full time to seek the priesthood again.
Maybe P and N think that I should continue the inner work begun by the discernment process. P might reiterate his urging to get into therapy. There still might be some junk inside of me that P and N think I should uncover. (I fully intend to get therapy after the decision whether I get a yes or a no. I have been talking to P N, a seminarian, who is in therapy; she has given me tips on how to get a therapist and how to get my insurance company to help pay for it.)
After the meeting I will heartily thank P and N for their insights both today and over the last two months. I will go to my car and sit for few minutes then call my wife. I think her response will be similar to mine because we have talked about this process and the possibility of a no throughout. I will not likely call anyone else, save my parents and priest, for a few days. Not because I am ashamed but because I think some people would feel incumbent to offer me their condolences. These would be those relatives who just haven’t gotten it, no matter how patiently I’ve outlined what discernment is.
(3) It is three months later, you have made some sense of the recommendation and moved on. What will you take with you from this process? Where is the Grace?
Three months later, I finally sold my first story to The Magazine of Science Fiction and Fantasy! An odd by-product of the discernment process is that I can write stories now. I think it was the constant calling into question motivations and getting seriously in touch with feelings, all the makings of a good story.
It is the techniques of self knowledge that I will take with me. Technique is a big word for what amounts to repeatedly asking yourself, “Where’s that coming from?” and “Keep going.” or “What’s that mean?” My life and spirit have been greatly enriched by these simple questions that help me to be honest with myself.
Ultimately the self honesty is where the grace is. When I am honest with myself, I am honest with God also. This is my own little definition of the “poor in spirit.”
Three months later and beyond, I am secure in God’s call to me and I delight in the freedom of my surrender to Him.
(1) You have received a yes – describe your feelings, what your leaders will say are the reasons and what happens after you leave the room.
If I receive a yes, I think I will feel satisfaction that the Church has confirmed my call. I will also feel relief that I wasn’t deluding myself when I first received the message to seek the priesthood. It feels good to be confirmed in such a faith-filled decision. Closely following the relief and satisfaction will likely be anxiety. While I have worked hard on my anxiety, it will be difficult to not feel anxious at the prospect of the huge changes that will occur in my life and my family’s life. With a yes comes three or more years of graduate school, selling a house, moving, securing new employment for, B, my wife, etc. This is daunting. But B and I have stepped out on faith; we know the way will be hard. The busyness of the discernment process has tested our marriage and we have found it to be exceedingly strong. We’ve adopted a motto: We can do hard. It means that we can handle stress and adversity because we value our family and each other’s ministries.
I think P and N (the group leaders)will confirm my call for several reasons. First is that, as stated above, I have strong support with my wife and family. This security will be invaluable as I develop my ministry and step out into a new domain.
Also, I think that P and N will have seen that I am open to discernment as a whole. The discernment process that the diocese has designed has been a wonderful experience but I have recognized that true discernment doesn’t stop with a yes or a no. My discernment will continue. It is this recognition of continual searching within, always trying to unpack the motives and feelings behind my words and choices, asking, “Where is God in this?” that is a good quality for a priest. I hope P and N, and all the others I have encountered in this process see that I have not shied away from the difficult work of digging up my dirt. It’s been ugly at times, sublime at others and I am committed to the ongoing process of discernment.
Finally, and most simply, P and N will have seen that I am a good listener, a good quality for a priest. I think that I am empathetic but without undue attachment or judgment to what is being said. I have a clear sense of boundaries already from my job as a teacher that I think will translate well to the priesthood. I have always worked closely with people and feel at ease in conversation and engagement.
After I meet with P and N I imagine I will sit in my car for a little while and try to let the news sink in. I will then call my wife and give her the news. I expect her to have a similar reaction to mine, excitement tempered heavily with the reality of what comes next: total life change. On the drive back to Fayetteville I suppose I will listen to Led Zeppelin, “Misty Mountain Hop” very loud, then call my mom.
2.) You have received a no - describe your feelings, what your leaders will say are the reasons, and what happens after you leave the room.
If I receive a no, I think I will feel some disappointment at first. This will not be crushing disappointment because I have been preparing myself for the possibility of a no answer. Some confusion is sure to follow, “If the Church doesn’t support my call to the priesthood, will it help me find my true vocation?” I think I might even feel some excitement with a no. Excitement because I have faithfully stepped out with God, the Church sees me somewhere else, but I have freedom to go where God calls me because my faithful step still stands. I was and am prepared to change my life completely for a life dedicated to God and His people and will continue to listen for God’s call in my life.
I may have received a no for a few reasons. One reason might be that P and N don’t think I’m focused enough for the ordained ministry. I think that they might say that I have shown great dedication and focus during the discernment process, but they’d like to see more focus in my life in the Church. Perhaps they might ask me to try again in a few years in which time I might finish EfM and my tenure with the vestry.
Another reason might be that P and N feel that my family is too young. Perhaps I should wait until my children are both in school full time to seek the priesthood again.
Maybe P and N think that I should continue the inner work begun by the discernment process. P might reiterate his urging to get into therapy. There still might be some junk inside of me that P and N think I should uncover. (I fully intend to get therapy after the decision whether I get a yes or a no. I have been talking to P N, a seminarian, who is in therapy; she has given me tips on how to get a therapist and how to get my insurance company to help pay for it.)
After the meeting I will heartily thank P and N for their insights both today and over the last two months. I will go to my car and sit for few minutes then call my wife. I think her response will be similar to mine because we have talked about this process and the possibility of a no throughout. I will not likely call anyone else, save my parents and priest, for a few days. Not because I am ashamed but because I think some people would feel incumbent to offer me their condolences. These would be those relatives who just haven’t gotten it, no matter how patiently I’ve outlined what discernment is.
(3) It is three months later, you have made some sense of the recommendation and moved on. What will you take with you from this process? Where is the Grace?
Three months later, I finally sold my first story to The Magazine of Science Fiction and Fantasy! An odd by-product of the discernment process is that I can write stories now. I think it was the constant calling into question motivations and getting seriously in touch with feelings, all the makings of a good story.
It is the techniques of self knowledge that I will take with me. Technique is a big word for what amounts to repeatedly asking yourself, “Where’s that coming from?” and “Keep going.” or “What’s that mean?” My life and spirit have been greatly enriched by these simple questions that help me to be honest with myself.
Ultimately the self honesty is where the grace is. When I am honest with myself, I am honest with God also. This is my own little definition of the “poor in spirit.”
Three months later and beyond, I am secure in God’s call to me and I delight in the freedom of my surrender to Him.
Lectio 10/4/07 Frank's Feast day, love dem doggies!
Here are today's readings:
Galatians 6:14-18
Matthew 11:25-30
Psalm 148:7-14 or
Psalm 121
Lectio overly simplified: Read the texts, silence (what is speaking to you?), read one passage that calls to you (what is speaking to you?), find one word in that passage that sums what you think the passages are saying. Meditate with that word, ruminate. Ruminate is a word monks use when discribing Lectio, ruminate, like a cow, chew on the word.
Psalm: The Lord is your keeper- recall Cain and Abel
Gal:A new creation is everything-God is eternally doing new things, eternal=no time=no time like the present=no past or future, only now=God is now and new.
Matt:my yoke is easy, my burden is light-really? I thought the way was narrow. Maybe the burden is easy because we have the chance to lay down our baggage. Or maybe the burden is light because there is nothing that we must pick up, we don't learn new things in this new spirituality, we unlearn, see Anthony Demello.
Lectio word:yoke,easy
Reflection: Funny things about lectio for me, and I'd like to get some input on this especially those who meditate, is that Lectio in turns is contemplative i.e. not much thought, and affective, as in dealing with feelings. I'd like to think about this affective style. In contemplative prayer and meditation books affective meditaion is maligned, but I see it differently. Our feeling life is so skewed, so conditioned that I think it is a good idea to explore feelings surrounding God. At times it seems that we want to be stoical zenlike christians. Well, I think the spirit has two sides: one that is still and receptive and another that is fiery and prophetic, emotional. I hope this gets some discussion going, I especially think this will getm a response from SEC.
Galatians 6:14-18
Matthew 11:25-30
Psalm 148:7-14 or
Psalm 121
Lectio overly simplified: Read the texts, silence (what is speaking to you?), read one passage that calls to you (what is speaking to you?), find one word in that passage that sums what you think the passages are saying. Meditate with that word, ruminate. Ruminate is a word monks use when discribing Lectio, ruminate, like a cow, chew on the word.
Psalm: The Lord is your keeper- recall Cain and Abel
Gal:A new creation is everything-God is eternally doing new things, eternal=no time=no time like the present=no past or future, only now=God is now and new.
Matt:my yoke is easy, my burden is light-really? I thought the way was narrow. Maybe the burden is easy because we have the chance to lay down our baggage. Or maybe the burden is light because there is nothing that we must pick up, we don't learn new things in this new spirituality, we unlearn, see Anthony Demello.
Lectio word:yoke,easy
Reflection: Funny things about lectio for me, and I'd like to get some input on this especially those who meditate, is that Lectio in turns is contemplative i.e. not much thought, and affective, as in dealing with feelings. I'd like to think about this affective style. In contemplative prayer and meditation books affective meditaion is maligned, but I see it differently. Our feeling life is so skewed, so conditioned that I think it is a good idea to explore feelings surrounding God. At times it seems that we want to be stoical zenlike christians. Well, I think the spirit has two sides: one that is still and receptive and another that is fiery and prophetic, emotional. I hope this gets some discussion going, I especially think this will getm a response from SEC.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Clarity and Perspective
Sometimes the Holy Spirit is so direct in its message that even I catch on. This past week had an undeniable theme of perspective on my discernment, getting it and holding it. Three events offered me the most potent experiences of gaining perspective: my fall break starting, my assignment of the week at Our Saviour, and a family gathering.
I am fortunate enough to work at a school with a year round schedule. Year round simply means that we work on a quarter system, so we are on for nine weeks and off for three, with a seven week summer. That comes out to sixteen weeks of vacation a year, I only mention this because, once in group, we were asked what we would be giving up if we became priests, I’d be giving up a lot of time off. Also, at my school, I am the sole teacher for twenty-three students from age 9-12. I teach every subject and assist with some electives such as music and French. The students at my school run the gamut of abilities and behaviors. It is a full time job, very intense, no breaks during the day, and I love it…most of the time.
When the nine week quarter is over, my well has run dry; especially so this time with the added business of my parish placement and the reflection groups. So it was this week, on Friday, that I just sat at the dinner table and reveled in my genius daughter’s creative use of the English language, and my son’s ability to eat everything put in front of him. I felt like a drained battery being charged. I felt in that moment that God was telling me to “Sit and enjoy what is around you, taste and see the Glory of the Lord.” Glory be to God. My family is my first and last ministry. Perspective.
Singing in the choir at Our Saviour this week also allowed me to see my discernment from a different perspective, this time literally. Singing in the choir was at times hectic, shuffling papers, trying to keep up. But it was also profound: leading the chants and hymns gave me some special insight into the importance of music in liturgy. But it was the seating arrangement that made me literally look at the service of the Word and Sacraments in a new way. The choir was truly behind the scenes. The service was not directed at us, we were the service, at least part of it.
Being a transient member of the choir, with its intensive rehearsals, allowed me reflect on the discernment process. This process is a true discernment for me. It’s hard work, not just the meetings and responsibilities, but the questions, the feedback, the psychic muckraking that is all too illuminating. It’s exhausting. The amount of work is akin to how much the choir rehearses for a given mass, which might have upwards of 30 people to hear it. My point is that discernment, like singing in the choir for the members, is a kind of ministry. Maybe ministry is too strong a word, for something that is so self-directed, but being radically honest with yourself and God seems, these days, to be a heroic act. Whether I get a yes or no is now no longer my greatest concern. However, making sure I continue my discernment after the discernment process is now my chief aim.
Finally, I gained a great deal of perspective on how my family sees my “church stuff.” Now, first I would like to say that I am talking about my extended family, not my parents. I’ve had some wonderful conversations with my parents lately about my faith, the Episcopal Church, tradition, and the priesthood.
I had the opportunity to discuss discernment at a family gathering to welcome the newest member to our clan, Ellie. She was just adopted by my cousin and her husband. We all got together at my parent’s house, there were 26 of us. Many cousins, aunts, and uncles asked polite questions about, “When I would be in the ministry.” My smart ass Episcopal answer was, “I’m already in the ministry and so are you.” This actually allowed me to explain the Episcopal belief of the four orders of ministry. I didn’t give them the catechism, but I wanted them to know that priests are one type of minister.
I got several people’s attention when I was asked why I need the Church’s authority on my decision. I said that the Church is the Body of Christ and we Episcopalians take that very seriously. The Church, of which I am a part, needs priests, I think I am called to that role, but it is my community’s decision, not mine. I think this ruffled some of the Baptist feathers. Having someone other than God determine your ministry? Surprisingly, this is an unusual concept to them, seeing how Baptists are staunchly congregational, that a community decision would be so hard to bear.
Trying to convey the idea of a process of discernment was sometimes difficult, especially to people who fundamentally see Christianity as a one time decision. This brings up a memory of one of my college professors, who, when asked if he was saved, he answered, “Sometimes.” I might answer, “Everyday.” Discernment, like Christianity, is a relationship that is renewed each day. In discernment, it is a relationship with ourselves and truth so that we may clearly hear God’s voice. As I talked with my family, I felt a great deal of support for my endeavor, they didn’t understand it all, but they do support me.
Discernment is a lens that we look through at ourselves and our life. At times it feels like Alice Through the Looking Glass: all is in question, nothing is what it seems, and everything is pregnant with meaning. In my spiritual autobiography I recounted the story of my baptism. I was eleven and had a true Baptist style full immersion baptism. During the baptism I lost my footing, capsized, water shot up my nose, and I gasped for breath upon surfacing, the echo of which carried through the large church. Not what I had expected. It’s been a similar experience with my discernment; it’s a topsy turvy ride. I think this is proof that God is at work through all this, God is in the shaking up business, I find this oddly, yet infinitely comforting.
I am fortunate enough to work at a school with a year round schedule. Year round simply means that we work on a quarter system, so we are on for nine weeks and off for three, with a seven week summer. That comes out to sixteen weeks of vacation a year, I only mention this because, once in group, we were asked what we would be giving up if we became priests, I’d be giving up a lot of time off. Also, at my school, I am the sole teacher for twenty-three students from age 9-12. I teach every subject and assist with some electives such as music and French. The students at my school run the gamut of abilities and behaviors. It is a full time job, very intense, no breaks during the day, and I love it…most of the time.
When the nine week quarter is over, my well has run dry; especially so this time with the added business of my parish placement and the reflection groups. So it was this week, on Friday, that I just sat at the dinner table and reveled in my genius daughter’s creative use of the English language, and my son’s ability to eat everything put in front of him. I felt like a drained battery being charged. I felt in that moment that God was telling me to “Sit and enjoy what is around you, taste and see the Glory of the Lord.” Glory be to God. My family is my first and last ministry. Perspective.
Singing in the choir at Our Saviour this week also allowed me to see my discernment from a different perspective, this time literally. Singing in the choir was at times hectic, shuffling papers, trying to keep up. But it was also profound: leading the chants and hymns gave me some special insight into the importance of music in liturgy. But it was the seating arrangement that made me literally look at the service of the Word and Sacraments in a new way. The choir was truly behind the scenes. The service was not directed at us, we were the service, at least part of it.
Being a transient member of the choir, with its intensive rehearsals, allowed me reflect on the discernment process. This process is a true discernment for me. It’s hard work, not just the meetings and responsibilities, but the questions, the feedback, the psychic muckraking that is all too illuminating. It’s exhausting. The amount of work is akin to how much the choir rehearses for a given mass, which might have upwards of 30 people to hear it. My point is that discernment, like singing in the choir for the members, is a kind of ministry. Maybe ministry is too strong a word, for something that is so self-directed, but being radically honest with yourself and God seems, these days, to be a heroic act. Whether I get a yes or no is now no longer my greatest concern. However, making sure I continue my discernment after the discernment process is now my chief aim.
Finally, I gained a great deal of perspective on how my family sees my “church stuff.” Now, first I would like to say that I am talking about my extended family, not my parents. I’ve had some wonderful conversations with my parents lately about my faith, the Episcopal Church, tradition, and the priesthood.
I had the opportunity to discuss discernment at a family gathering to welcome the newest member to our clan, Ellie. She was just adopted by my cousin and her husband. We all got together at my parent’s house, there were 26 of us. Many cousins, aunts, and uncles asked polite questions about, “When I would be in the ministry.” My smart ass Episcopal answer was, “I’m already in the ministry and so are you.” This actually allowed me to explain the Episcopal belief of the four orders of ministry. I didn’t give them the catechism, but I wanted them to know that priests are one type of minister.
I got several people’s attention when I was asked why I need the Church’s authority on my decision. I said that the Church is the Body of Christ and we Episcopalians take that very seriously. The Church, of which I am a part, needs priests, I think I am called to that role, but it is my community’s decision, not mine. I think this ruffled some of the Baptist feathers. Having someone other than God determine your ministry? Surprisingly, this is an unusual concept to them, seeing how Baptists are staunchly congregational, that a community decision would be so hard to bear.
Trying to convey the idea of a process of discernment was sometimes difficult, especially to people who fundamentally see Christianity as a one time decision. This brings up a memory of one of my college professors, who, when asked if he was saved, he answered, “Sometimes.” I might answer, “Everyday.” Discernment, like Christianity, is a relationship that is renewed each day. In discernment, it is a relationship with ourselves and truth so that we may clearly hear God’s voice. As I talked with my family, I felt a great deal of support for my endeavor, they didn’t understand it all, but they do support me.
Discernment is a lens that we look through at ourselves and our life. At times it feels like Alice Through the Looking Glass: all is in question, nothing is what it seems, and everything is pregnant with meaning. In my spiritual autobiography I recounted the story of my baptism. I was eleven and had a true Baptist style full immersion baptism. During the baptism I lost my footing, capsized, water shot up my nose, and I gasped for breath upon surfacing, the echo of which carried through the large church. Not what I had expected. It’s been a similar experience with my discernment; it’s a topsy turvy ride. I think this is proof that God is at work through all this, God is in the shaking up business, I find this oddly, yet infinitely comforting.
Friday, September 28, 2007
On becoming...
In the group meetings, just enough space is given for you to talk and talk and talk. It's in these times that I surprise myself with what's really going on between my ears. I was talking about how now that the formal discernment process is drawing to a close I feel completely at peace with whatever decision is made, whether:yes priest or no priest. I really mean this.
In the middle of all this I said,"My main concern is not whether I become a priest or not it's whether I stay with God." The priest who leads us said, "And where is God going?" My answer, it felt sort of zen, because I wasn't really thinking and hadn't had this thought before; I said,"God is going nowhere, it's me who is flitting around all the time,always trying to become something else, exploit whatever is in front of me." Becoming is a damn trap, a rut.
In the middle of all this I said,"My main concern is not whether I become a priest or not it's whether I stay with God." The priest who leads us said, "And where is God going?" My answer, it felt sort of zen, because I wasn't really thinking and hadn't had this thought before; I said,"God is going nowhere, it's me who is flitting around all the time,always trying to become something else, exploit whatever is in front of me." Becoming is a damn trap, a rut.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Still livin'
I know I'm the only one who read this but...
Yeah, I've been busy. Who isn't? But I've been so busy that almost everything that I've been doing felt like work, the bad kind. The fall break has started and that is a wondreful thing. It's amazing, two days ago i felt disconeected, "not enough butter on too much bread" as Bilbo would say. Now, with one good night of watching pointless t.v. and a good night's rest, I feel great. The next few weeks will still be busy with my parish placement. Look for my notes on a meditation that I will deliver, it's not a sermon. Also, I've got ideas to put down on how I'm dealing with all this. Post a comment if you read this.
Yeah, I've been busy. Who isn't? But I've been so busy that almost everything that I've been doing felt like work, the bad kind. The fall break has started and that is a wondreful thing. It's amazing, two days ago i felt disconeected, "not enough butter on too much bread" as Bilbo would say. Now, with one good night of watching pointless t.v. and a good night's rest, I feel great. The next few weeks will still be busy with my parish placement. Look for my notes on a meditation that I will deliver, it's not a sermon. Also, I've got ideas to put down on how I'm dealing with all this. Post a comment if you read this.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Reflection #3
On Sunday, September 2, I was the chalice bearer at Our Saviour for both the 8:30 and 11:00 services. I have been a Lay Eucharistic Minister for over a year at my home church, so being a LEM at Our Saviour was no big deal to me. What I was nervous about were the motions: bowing, genuflecting, kneeling, and the proper times and durations for all of the above. Normally, these concerns are minor since I am in the congregation; but this time, I was up front for all to see. To be sure, I made some errors but I just tried to roll with my mistakes and not let the mechanics of the service take over my worship of God.
As I served the sacrament, I began to feel extremely connected to the people I was serving. It would be hard for me, who is prone to exaggeration, to overstate how deeply numinous this moment of service was. I have administered the sacrament dozens of times, even to my friends and family, but I’ve never felt this kind of intimacy before. It was utterly humbling. Humbling because it seems beyond audacity that I should offer the sacrament, an outward and visible sign of God’s grace; but Jesus himself instituted the Eucharist, and here I was to help in its celebration. This seemed the perfect Christian paradox, the one offering the gift is brought low. I felt inextricably bound to the moment at hand and to the people with me. There was a strong sense of trust as well.
Considering our group conversation last week about how priests get fed spiritually, I thought that intimacy and humility might be one answer. The server this past Sunday was definitely served. There are myriad scriptural references for this idea of the first being last and honor being given to the one who serves. But the actual experience of humility as a gift has been inspiring, and I suspect that my personal view of the Eucharist has been changed forever.
With my experience of intimacy and humility, I happened upon an old prejudice that I’d like to explore. Formerly, I had considered traditional conceptions of liturgy, stodgy at best, and hopelessly cold and unfeeling at worst. I know now that those thoughts were wrong and unfounded. I’ve been working hard, through my parish placement, to eschew my automatic suspicion of the traditional. In fact, I’m beginning to see that what I once saw as “my liturgy” can, at times, feel too familiar, and not offer any real challenge. The parishioners at Our Saviour, on the other hand, while older and using archaic language may be among the most passionate in the diocese. Perhaps this added to my feeling of humility, the Eucharist is vividly real for these people and by extension for me. The gravity of what I was participating in dawned on me and I was virtually driven to silence.
As I served the sacrament, I began to feel extremely connected to the people I was serving. It would be hard for me, who is prone to exaggeration, to overstate how deeply numinous this moment of service was. I have administered the sacrament dozens of times, even to my friends and family, but I’ve never felt this kind of intimacy before. It was utterly humbling. Humbling because it seems beyond audacity that I should offer the sacrament, an outward and visible sign of God’s grace; but Jesus himself instituted the Eucharist, and here I was to help in its celebration. This seemed the perfect Christian paradox, the one offering the gift is brought low. I felt inextricably bound to the moment at hand and to the people with me. There was a strong sense of trust as well.
Considering our group conversation last week about how priests get fed spiritually, I thought that intimacy and humility might be one answer. The server this past Sunday was definitely served. There are myriad scriptural references for this idea of the first being last and honor being given to the one who serves. But the actual experience of humility as a gift has been inspiring, and I suspect that my personal view of the Eucharist has been changed forever.
With my experience of intimacy and humility, I happened upon an old prejudice that I’d like to explore. Formerly, I had considered traditional conceptions of liturgy, stodgy at best, and hopelessly cold and unfeeling at worst. I know now that those thoughts were wrong and unfounded. I’ve been working hard, through my parish placement, to eschew my automatic suspicion of the traditional. In fact, I’m beginning to see that what I once saw as “my liturgy” can, at times, feel too familiar, and not offer any real challenge. The parishioners at Our Saviour, on the other hand, while older and using archaic language may be among the most passionate in the diocese. Perhaps this added to my feeling of humility, the Eucharist is vividly real for these people and by extension for me. The gravity of what I was participating in dawned on me and I was virtually driven to silence.
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