In the final hours. Maybe I'm being too dramatic, but I'm quite nervous. It's the waiting that bothers me.
I started a great book called The Places That Scare You. It was written by the Buddhist nun Pema Chodron, she was a student of Chogyam Trungpa of Shambhala fame. She tells the reader to ask the question: Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I do I choose to live and die in fear?
Relating to life directly is ballsy. I feel like this is what the discernment process has taught me. When we relate to life directly, squarely, we open ourselves, we are vulnerable. That's hard to do. I wonder why.
Maybe our reluctance to be vulnerable is an evolutionary hold over. We don't want to be seen as weak. We don't want to be seen failing. Failing is bad, perfection is good. Funny thing is only one of those outcomes is real.
Being vulnerable is also the opposite of cool. In our society we are all supposed so damn cool, nothing bothers us. Right.
So, in a few hours I will know whether or not my life will take one direction or not. I admit, knowing if I'll be a priest is somewhat comforting albeit very daunting. Not being a preist is also daunting: here I've given myself over to the God of Creative Love, what's she going to do with me?
Thanks to all who have been on this journey with me. I'll update you when I can.
Peace and love,